I am in the midst of calamity.

I'm barely holding on and for the first time in my life - I actually feel physically alone. Like its just me dealing with my circumstances.

Calamity is the test of integrity.

- Samuel Richard

Google defines the word calamity as an event that causes great and often sudden damage or distress…a disaster.

Calamity is mentioned in the Bible 160 times. Who knows how many other times it is mentioned in the other books of the Bible that have been removed or “shelved”. To me, 160 times…is…a lot of times.

I cannot clearly recall experiencing calamity in my life ever…until recently. This month I turn 37 years old. This is a year that I will never, ever forget.

While many would argue that my divorce and custody battle was a form of calamity, by pure definition, these events were premeditated. When I decided to pursue divorce I expected the shenanigans and chaos that would quickly follow that choice.

But today for the first time in my life I can say I am facing calamity. A disaster. An unexpected set of circumstances that are not only testing my faith and willpower but that of my children as well.

And I am finding it to be very, very difficult.

I am in the midst of a Job-like suffering. My normal social support systems are odd and not aligned with my actual reality. Job’s friends told him to curse the Lord and give up and while my support system is not telling me to curse the Lord and give up, it is clear that their understanding and perceptions of what I am actually dealing with are not accurate or sound.

So I have become sort of quiet. I have held off sharing too much of my plans in hopes to protect cherished relationships and maintain their sweetness.

But in doing so…I feel all alone.

Fight or flight

When my calamity hit I was too stunned to respond initially. It was not until weeks later that I realized I was still in shock and not processing what was going on. I was putting on a happy face to hide it from my children and in many ways myself too.

But one day on a drive home I could clearly hear the Lord tell me that to get through this I was going to need to take it one day at a time and trust Him. The challenge is that my head does not work that way. I plan and think things through. I have an idea of what I am striving for and a sound grasp of how to achieve it.

But the thing about calamity is that none of that matters. You are literally in the midst of an emotional and physical tornado and just trying to dodge all the debris and stuff that is in there with you: bills, relationships, responsibilities, etc.

I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I have asked the Lord what is going on and why is this happening to me. I am not perfect, but by golly people who are mean and dishonest are having a much easier time than I am right now. Why is that? And most importantly why do my children have to endure this calamity with me?

I have no answers. I guess the whole purpose of my turning to my newsletter is that writing is my therapy, my safe space. Perhaps now that I have publically acknowledged my season of calamity it will ease a bit…or get worse. Either way, I have become a bit numb so…I will just keep laying what I do feel at the feet of the Lord.

My cup is dry these days

One of my favorite songs is Fill Me Up by Tasha Cobbs Leonard. I routinely listen to it and allow her to intervene for me very regularly these days because, in all honesty, I just can’t seem to find words during my season of calamity.

In this particular song, I listen to her pray and ask the Lord to refill her cup over and over again. It is a prayer. It is a chant. It is a plea.

Allow me to paraphrase:

“You provide the fire, I’ll provide the sacrifice. You provide the spirit, I will open up inside. Fill me up God….I need more of you, I’ve been running on empty. We cry out for more, more of your spirit is what we need. More of your anointing. More of your glory. Fill me up, til I overflow.”

As the song continues Tasha Cobbs does what she does best. She simply prays the same thing over and over, until your spirit hears. Until her spirit hears. Ministering to herself and us at the same time.

She pleads with the Lord to fill her cup. To help her survive. To help her make it. And for the first time in my life after years of listening to this song I get. I understand what it feels like to be depleted. To be empty. To need the Lord to fill me up so I can finish this race. So can rise out of my season of calamity with dignity, heart, and understanding. So that no matter what, in all circumstances the Lord knows that I will endure calamity so that everyone I meet gets to fill the love He offers me freely that has established my heart and steadied my faith.

Pretty Girl Memo: If you are in a season of calamity, just know that it is okay to let others intervene for you and hold you together as you struggle to hold onto yourself. Be encouraged. And remember that trouble don’t last always.